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[08 Nov 2007|07:54pm] |
I don't think I want to be a student anymore.
First off, I don't see what difference it would make. I don't see how I would gain anything by staying here constantly facing the idea of working toward something. It would be so much more comfortable to know that I had nothing to work toward.
Secondly, they put us through such bullshit. I don't even need to talk about College Park Scholars. And they still want to spend time teaching us how to write a paper. I know how to write a fucking paper! It was a lie when they said you weren't treated like a child in college. And the way they add their own bullshit fucking ideas into literature, it really needs to stop... I've seen it happen more than once that a mere error or typo or misunderstanding led someone to make an entire interpretation on a piece of writing. Stop inventing shit. Stop making stuff up and saying it's what the author meant, and stop grading me on how well I memorize it.
I suck. You are all liars.
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[06 Nov 2007|10:03pm] |
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everything I do sucks
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[23 Oct 2007|12:10am] |
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music |
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it doesn't hurt me. do you wanna feel how it feels? |
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That wasn't good enough. This place is exactly like I knew it would be. I can see now that it wasn't good enough but if that wasn't I don't know what would be. I guess I must have different standards but I don't know what I myself would rather than a note saying (in a forum which was openly presented to me): I like that musician, that promise of a man, whose picture is on your door, but I only know one song [so show me some]. Saying, I think you might like this one album, it's a bunch of covers-- sort of. I'll show you, if you like the lyricist already. I'll burn it for you if you want. I present the situation to say this: I did all the work, all the introduction, I came up with all the ideas and opportunities and if the advances were wanted then all he would have had to do was say yes, I'd like to hear it. But he didn't, and I left him that option so it is certainly acceptable. I present it to say that this trial was executed properly and the data is absolutely untainted and I record it here to mark the last of all my attempts.
Well, that is what I wanted to say earlier. But it has become more and more obvious to me that I don't have the necessary qualities and the only reason I ever forgot that in the first place was because of self-delusion. It isn't always nice to have to acknowledge the truth but I know that it's the right way for me. Learn to stick to this. This is the right way for me and I know that it is. And I think it's safe to say that if I have such a difficult time dealing with such normal things as most young females deal with (and they without mentioning the trouble of it even once), I am missing something fundamental either in emotional/brain chemistry, appearance, or both. I sincerely do not know how anyone goes through a thing like this without either being a turn-off or having a lot of resentment. You fuck yourself over worse than Shane MacGowan's dentist just so some asshole can get his rocks off, and you are such an angel that you do not even say a word about it. Either these ladies have some desirable type of docility and agreeableness that I don't, or they secretly want to strangle the boy in his sleep. I do sincerely believe that it's the former, though. They know something that I don't. It's always that way.
I'm tired of worrying myself sick about it; I should accept that I'm probably damaged goods at this point (and in the way that no one wants-- trust me).
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